Ass raptor (n): predecessor to the ass ferret. A creature that occasionally attempts to make a home deep in the bowels of a random person causing explosive excrement and the sonorous growl of a wildebeest.
I have been privy to this affliction.
It is most unpleasant, causing my innards to feel as though they are being twisted and pulled inside of me by some unseen being. Then the real fun happens. Ass, meet toilet. Toilet, ass.
And no ass raptor would be complete without a visit from a fever. Unfortunately more cowbell is not the right prescription for it.
I may as well get cozy in my bathroom. Gonna be a looooooong night.